Welcome to the holiday season, the part of the year when that one forgotten corner of the Galleria parking lot gets its time to shine. The gift-buying experience can be stressful, but we here at Fort Lauderdale Magazine want to help. We’ve got several holiday gift guides in this, our holiday issue – one to suit every taste. You can trust us on this stuff; we’re magazine professionals.
But perhaps you need more help still. One of the most fraught kinds of holiday gift buying is gift buying for that special someone. Don’t worry though, I’m here to simplify the process with advice you can trust on how to find the perfect gift.
Buying for men: Buy him body wash. Listen, allow me to let you in on a little secret here. The patriarchy is real; gender roles are strictly enforced in society and men are not always allowed to admit we are interested in things like fancy soaps. This is why so often body washes geared towards men have to go to these ridiculous lengths to make men feel like they’re using a Big Man Product. You’ll see some soap with a name like Sagebrush Barbwire Rodeo Whiskey-wash and when you check the label, it’s literally just a two-in-one body wash/shampoo.
Here’s the thing: We want to use all the fancy soaps. This is why we always sneak little squirts of it. Maybe we even put a little water in the bottle in hopes you won’t notice, like a teenager sneaking vodka. So just give us our own dainty little soap. It doesn’t need to have some Clint Eastwood film name; we so very, very badly want to wash with Dreams of Lilac or whatever, we just can’t verbalize that. Blame society. Blame society and buy us fancy little soaps that we’ll love although we will never tell another soul about it.
Buying for women: Buy her the thing she already told you about. “But Erik,” you say, “she didn’t tell me about anything.” Yes. She. Did. Comb the recesses of your brain. Think back to a time when you two were somewhere where they sell things she likes. Do you remember the thing that cost too much? That’s what she said. She stopped, looked at it, said it’s a great color/would look perfect next to the bookcase/is totally her style. Then she looked at the price tag and said, oh. She couldn’t possibly. Maybe next month. Then she looked at you, briefly, with that If Somebody Got Me This I’d Probably Do That Thing They Really Like look, but you were too busy yammering on about Tesla trucks or something funny a comedian said on Twitter.
That’s the thing. Remember what that thing was, by hypnosis if necessary. Then go to the place where they sell the thing and buy one. Maybe it’s a dress, maybe it’s a set of sconces, maybe it’s a season pass to laser tag; it doesn’t matter. Just remember the thing, and purchase the thing.
Also, get her one of those candles that smells like a place and a concept – the Vermont and Coziness candle or something. She’ll love it, and you’ll use it too when you’re having some bath Me Time with your new body wash.